feeling deflated

so here i was the big instigator in all of this, and here i am a week later, having watched every single tiny morsel that went into my mouth and i haven't lost a pound. i spent most of yesterday mopey about it. i don't know why that was my reaction, but i guess i needed the loss, even just a lb to make me feel like i was achieving something. instead i felt like a giant failure. and yet, i hadn't done anything to cause said failure! i knew i had watched and calorie counted to the number every single day. i'd even dropped my caloric intake to 1100 calories daily since i'm not yet exercising!

.....and then while i was moping on twitter, something somewhat miraculous happened, it suddenly clicked. the medication i just started taking 2 weeks ago may have a side affect, weight gain. in which case, maintaining my weight the first week was actually an accomplishment since without watching i may have gained 5lbs the first 2 weeks on these meds. 

while it's still frustrating to count every single calorie, to watch what i put in my mouth and not see any weight loss, i know i need these meds to function right now. its because of these meds that i was able to climb out from underneath the cloud that's been over me, and even attempt the weight loss and marathon training.

more than anything i wanted to run out and get fast food, just because i could last night. knowing that it may be awhile before i do lose any weight since my body is just adjusting to a new anti-anxiety/depression medication. but i didn't do it. i didn't run out, i ate my sensible 300 calorie dinner as planned. 

this is a whole new world for me, in the past once i put my mind to the weight loss, i had success. i'm hoping its just a first few week stumbling block and soon i'll start to see the rewards of my work or lack of food enjoyment. but in the meantime, i feel a little less of a failure knowing that its not totally my fault.